EQ Connections
Oct. 2019 | Issue 3
By John J. Hughes
“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
Self-REGARD: Understanding Your Inner Voice
Who is in your head when you mess up at work? In other words, whose voice do you retrieve in your head when you criticize yourself? Some people hear the critical voice of a parent, sibling, or teacher. I am convinced that the way we criticize ourselves with our inner voice is often reflective of the influences by the most important people in our lives.
Not all of the influences that have shaped our behaviors are positive. If you experienced positive reinforcement and encouragement as you developed, personally and professionally, then you know what it feels like to draw on that self-confidence when you face the unknown.
The hundreds of people whom I have worked with, that scored high in Self-Regard, can always tell me the positive, encouraging voices that resonate in their heads when they face a new problem.
What is Self-Regard?
Self-Regard reflects your confidence level to take on new challenges by applying prior experiences and being open to learning.
What does Self-Regard look like?
People who score high in Self-Regard on the EQ-i 2.0:
Have the ability to access a true inner belief in their strengths and capabilities.
Know how to analyze a situation, determine options, and take a smart risk.
Are very willing to learn even though they often possess their own expertise.
Self-Regard and Courage
When I ask a room full of senior executives, “Whose voice do you hear when you are up against a new challenge?” the responses regularly include, “My father.”, “My grandma.”, “A high school coach.” or “My brother.” For my next question, “What do you hear them say to you?”, the participants will say things like, “You got this!”, “You can do it!”, “I believe in you!” and “You know how smart you are!” We access their voice when we need the courage to overcome fear.
Our goals are driven by what we think we can do combined with encouragement from others. Clients with high Self-Regard have developed a positive foundation of self-confidence; which, has been reinforced by the words and actions of others. However, depending on the business culture, that self-confidence can be shattered by poor management and cutthroat organizational dynamics.
Listening to Our Inner Goals
I have noticed a strong and interesting connection between Self-Regard and Self-Actualization. When debriefing an EQ-i report with a client, I always like to see the Self-Actualization score (the goal) higher than Self-Regard score (the confidence level) since this often tells me that he or she is stretching for success. The person can see the goal, feels confident and is formulating a plan.
If it is the reverse and the client has a Self-Regard score that is much higher than Self-Actualization, then this can be a sign that he or she is a bit detached from the present job. One of the reasons why people feel disengaged towards their jobs, is a sense of being overqualified for the current responsibilities or career situation.
EQ-i Data: Going for Gold
I believe the gap between Self-Actualization and Self-Regard reflects the level of drive and demand that executives and professional people tend to consistently put on themselves in pursuit of their careers. From my experience, the wider the gap between these two skills than the more pressure a person is willing to impose on himself or herself.
One question is, who puts more pressure on themselves to succeed, men or women?
Based on the 1,356 EQ-i reports of executives, managers and professional staff I have debriefed and analyzed, 329 men, or 52%, and 419 women, or 58%, admitted to being hard on themselves in their work. People in this category acknowledged the gap between these skills and their tendencies to push themselves, perhaps too hard at times. They regularly build pressure on themselves which only serves to magnify the impact of disappointments and setbacks.
The remaining 508 men and women, or 45% of this group, generally fall into two categories. Either they feel that their current job provides enough challenge for them to grow and they feel satisfied for the moment or, depending on other scores, they may feel overlooked, unnoticed or discounted by their organization. These feelings emerge when very qualified people find themselves in a position which they believe underutilized their skills, talents and experiences.
Collateral Damage
There is a stage people’s effectiveness at stretching towards their goals may actually play against their efforts. From clients I have worked with, if the gaps between high Self-Actualization and low Self-Regard are more than 15 points, it often indicates that these people can be incredibly hard on themselves, especially when they make mistakes.
When people are really hard on themselves, then it frequently results in a form of collateral damage on relationships involving subordinates, peers and even loved ones. This occurs if you are disappointed in your own performance but still find a way to blame or take it out on others.
Within this group of 1,356 professionals, I would describe 203, or 15%, as having a tendency to be extremely self-critical. They get angry at themselves when they experience failure or make avoidable errors.
Based on a client’s Self-Regard score, I often find myself asking, “Are you very hard on yourself? Do you beat yourself up a lot?” Since the answer is usually, “yes!” the follow-up questions are, “What happens to you or how do you know when you are being too hard on yourself? When do you know to stop being angry with yourself?” The answers actually relate to the skill focused on in the next newsletter which is, Emotional Self-Awareness.
Self-Regard is Complex
One reason why you or your client may score low in Self-Regard can be connected to the amount of time spent learning and working in a job. Since this skill is linked to our confidence level, usually the longer we are in a job or position then the more self-confidence we develop. This confidence builds as we will feel capable managing our responsibilities and making decisions.
Some clients, who were new to an organization or job, initially scored low in Self-Regard and saw this skill level increase over time.
I have had clients who shifted from high to low in Self-Regard because they experienced a deep, sometimes public, business humiliation which resulted in massive personal self-doubt about their capabilities or judgment. If you have ever screwed up at work and felt as if the whole organization knew about it and was talking about you, then you know how low Self-Regard feels. You also know that these can be very lonely moments that can really pull you down.
Occasionally, I will find executive clients who have had difficult times letting go of the negative stories they immediately access in their heads when they are not successful. I have met many professionals who are overly critical of themselves if they do not live up to, or exceed, at a specific level of performance.
EQ-i Report Debrief: Executive Insecurity
Nancy took the EQ-i as part of a leadership development program. Since she was accomplished academically and professionally in her media work, I was surprised to see Self-Regard as one of her three lowest scores. She had just been promoted to her first vice president position and was managing a staff six direct reports. This was her dream job but she felt unprepared, overwhelmed and, understandably, afraid to fail. When Self-Regard is low, the client often feels apprehensive and anxious about making individual decisions.
It was time for Nancy to start to leverage her emotional intelligence strengths to build her executive confidence. In summarizing her skills, I pointed out that she scored very high in Self-Actualization which, to me, confirmed the fact that this job was tapping into her potential. Nancy scored high in both Flexibility and Reality Testing, which is a terrific balance, and she had very strong influencing skills such as Empathy, Interpersonal Relationships and Social Responsibility.
With these strengths, I worked with Nancy and her direct reports to facilitate a half-day off-site focused on the current organizational structure and the goals of each department. In her new role, Nancy admitted to me that she knew nothing about certain parts of the organization she was now responsible for managing. This off-site provided her an opportunity to use her emotional intelligence strengths, connect with her staff, ask questions, clarify roles and acquire knowledge about decisions she was expected to make. This was a strong initial step to building her executive confidence.
“With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence
in one’s ability, one can build a better world.”
– Dalai Lama
Some Background of Self-Actualization
Who are the people invested in your success? In the Forbes edition of February 20, 2018, the article, “Everyone Needs A Personal Board Of Directors” by Lisa Barrington, she offers suggestions for identifying those people at work who will be honest with you while supporting your career goals. This is important since one element of Self-Regard is validating your capabilities and skills with other people as you set future objectives.
Developing Your Self-Regard
If you or your clients are interested in increasing Self-Regard, consider these questions:
What is a negative statement that was once said to me which I need to forget?
The quicker you can respond to this question, the sooner you should let this story go. It is in the past and serves no purpose except to make you feel bad. A negative story can be a motivator to a certain point but it can eventually become a self-destructive distraction. We need to understand how our positive stories keep us strong and when to let go of the negative ones.
What am I doing today to prepare to reach that goal?
This second question is important to consider since it prompts thinking about other areas for you to consider developing.on.
On a business level: What skills will be most valuable to the organization three years from now? What am I doing to develop these skills and who is helping me? What is my approach to developing and maintaining my technical knowledge?
On a personal level: What do I need to do to avoid bringing stress home? What would be the benefit of exercising more?